High profile services provided by Karim and his premen include traffic control, parking, riding escort, redirecting people and vehicles during weddings and funerals live-stock recovery and collection for local charities. Less visible services include, allocating sidewalk-space to vendors, real estate for rent or sale, organize efficient deployment of ojeks (motor-cycle taxis), debt collection, organizing demonstrations and providing secret pipelines to cooperative policemen. There are other services provided by Karim and his men for a pay-what-you-feel-like fee. Many preman services are apt for travelers or tourists.

National Customer Services

What exactly are the preman? When asked, most Indonesians say it means, gangster. They reply so good humorously that it leaves you rather skeptical. .Karim scoffed. “Bullshit,”he said. “We are a national customer service organization. The best!” he said thumping his chest.” Better than Bank Mandiri!” he added referring to the largest bank in Indonesia and award winner for “Best Customer Service.”

“We”, he added rising to tip-toe and leaning towards me, “keep this country safe for democracy!” He wiped his forehead exhausted with his vehement defense of the country's preman network.Preman, incidentally are great fans of Rambo.

Traffic Control

Tourists to Java will encounter them soon enough. They will be seen directing traffic at U-turns or channeling traffic from side roads into the main flow. These are vital functions because only sissies give way in Java. Without the preman the economic loss to the community due to traffic gridlocks would be devastating. A police car is always parked close to purportedly to keep an eye on things. Actually it's break time for the cops.

Motorists reward preman voluntarily with a few coins. Preman don't demand payment. You make a contribution according to your means if you know what is good for you in the long run. It is well to remember for the long run that premen have an uncanny knack on being able to assess your means.

If you are driving your own car in Java and wish to park, slow down, move to the side and convey the impression that you are terribly unsure of yourself. Within a few meters a preman leaps to your aid and with a bow and a flourish guides you into a space that seems to be especially reserved exclusively for your convenience. Your car is protected for the duration you are away.

On your return, he guides you out courteously, stops the on-coming traffic and sends you on your way. This superb service will cost you about twenty cents. A tip of ten percent will be received with appreciation. If you are a pretty lady he will even throw a flirtatious kiss in your direction. They have style, these preman.

Travelers' Services

If you are traveling through Java on your own the preman can be of invaluable service. They can assist with high efficient transportation, the best of Indonesian cuisine, sight seeing, tickets to events and personal safety. The services are provided with utmost curtsey, efficiency and with good value for money. You will not be able to get similar services at the Ritz Carlton, Jakarta. Those who may be of service at the Ritz are not in their offices.

If you need preman services you must first locate a suitable preman.Preman directing traffic or parking cars are mostly unavailable for other services. They are specialists. The best way, experienced travelers say, is to hang around uncertainly around a motor-cycle taxi or ojek post. There are many of these convenient located at junctions, bus stops and railway stations.

In a while you will be approached. Don't be put of by a preman's appearance. A preman scorns sartorial splendor. Wiry, sun dried and bleached, it would be instantly obvious that his humble attire had rarely left his presence during the preceding weeks.

He will have the unlikely name of Dedi. As your personal preman he can organize transport and services to anywhere. To American Express or the best roast duck in Jakarta. Name it, Dedi can put a concierge at Ritz Carlton to shame.

Long Distance Services

If however you want to travel from Jakarta to Surabaya., Dedi can arrange it in relays. Dedi himself will take you on his Honda motorcycle to the outskirts, where Suparto (Call me Arto) is waiting with his Yamaha engine running to do the next leg. At the end of Arto's leg, Hosman will pick you up and take to nice clean accommodation at a Kost for just $10 a night with air conditioning. The proprietress, an old Chinese lady that looks like Dolly Patton today, warns you of terrible consequences if you take girls up to your room. Hosman is waiting for you in the morning to take you to a fantastic breakfast of rice and chicken for forty cents. The free flowing hot tea is on the house.

You will never have to pay for your preman's meals. For some obscure reason, that he will explain and you will never understand, preman dineat all the best Javanese roadside establishments for free.

Seeing Java from the back of a preman's Honda or Yamaha is the ideal way to go. You stop when and where you want. You may halt to poke around a wayside banana plantation to pick up a nice snack, have your head shaved bald (now the hot trend in parts of Java) spend a few minutes for a spot of Javanese reflexology watched over paternally by your preman.

Security Services

You can your preman to take good care of your safety and possessions throughout. If by any chance your laptop gets snatched while you are rapturous enjoying a superb grilled fish, don't panic. Inform your preman-of-the-moment. He will most likely jump on his Suzuki and roar off. Don't panic. He will return not only with your laptop but with the thief. You will be offered to punish the thief in your own fashion. When you decline to do so the preman and onlookers rough him about a bit send him hobbling and howling on his way.

Sightseeing Services

Yes, put yourself in the hands of the preman it is efficiency and value for money all the

way. Sight seeing is one exception. Preman can take your there but can't tell you anything about the ruins or sights. If he does it's usually ridiculous. Get you own guide book. The preman will know how to get you a Lonely Planet for cheap.

On the other hand a preman can take you to sights that are not in Lonely Planet or any other guide book. My preman once jumped off the road into a jungle track and after twenty minutes of a dark, terrifying ride deep in, he showed me a crater. He claimed it was made by a falling star three hundred years ago. I believed him. Other preman have taken me to cavernous under ground bat caves, little known, wondrously curative hot springs and a palpably evil haunted house.

The only disconcerting thing about riding pillion with a preman on Java's winding roads(once you leave the coast al areas you are going up all the time) is his using his mobile phone to talk to or to thumb out sms messages to business associates while roaring along at 100 kilometers an hour. However statistics show that riding pillion with a preman is safer than flying in Java.

Assorted Services

Once you reach your destination your preman will hand you over to a local preman.

If you choose to retain him any form of tourist service is yours for the asking. If want to go to a rock concert sponsored by one of the cigarette companies, as they usually are, ask your preman. Tickets are notoriously difficult to get for these events. Your preman will have no problems in getting you seats with the VIPs. He will pick you up at your Kost, where your Chinese proprietress looks like Michael Jackson, at the appointed time. It is part of the service to wait outside, search out, find you and steer you out through the thousands of people surging out of the stadium, after the show. Can American Express Travel and Tours beat this?

Another thing you will find useful is the preman communications network. My friend, I knew would be arriving in Medan, North Java that day. I knew nothing else of her, where she would stay or her mobile phone number. I asked my preman. He asked for a description. I am not too good about describing people but did the best I could. She called me four hours later.

This is what happened. My perman calledthe Central preman. Central then called Medan Chief Preman. He deployed his hotels and airport preman. He also alerted the Chief of the Medan motor-cycle taxis perman. An hour later it was a shopping mall perman, alerted by a quick-thinking hotel preman that spotted her at Baskin Robbins. It was later explained to me that the shopping mall preman had made a mental shortlist of likely places that a stoutish foreigner might visit. She thought, he was a pickpocket when he grabbed her elbow. After the fracas subsided she called me.

When it is time for you to go home your Preman can introduce you to dealer in Chinatown, who looks like Gordon Brown, with a stock bigger that that of an airport tax-free and priced twenty percent lower.

In Jakarta, I asked Karim if it was true that the preman were involved in prostitution and illegal gambling.

“Bullshit!” he replied indignantly.” We prevent moral decay by teaching misbehaving customers a lesson.” I didn't ask for details about the moral-reeducation programmes.

“We” he said rising on tip-toe and leaning towards me, “keep this country clean!”

Kampung chickens are chickens reared in people's backyards and in and out of their homes. They live as they jolly well please from the time they emerge from eggs, to when they are slaughtered for food. They are one reason why there is no starvation in Java where about twenty percent live on about one dollar a day. In Java, it would seem that there's a chicken in every pot. It is an accepted practice that if you are chicken-less and hungry, you walk along till you encounter a chicken poking around, entice it, and make off into the shrubbery before its squawking protests brings the owner out. Owners deprived of a chicken, or two in this manner are at worst momentarily irritated and after a cursory look this way and that, go back in to finish their chicken soup.

As food, kampong chickens are considered very nutritious because they fend for themselves, feed prolifically on whatever is lying around, and are considered organic. In modern supermarkets, these scrawny, barely fleshed birds fetch higher prices than plumb range fed chickens. Plucked and asleep in supermarket freezers they seem just as pugnacious and defiant, as they were when alive.

Unlovable, But Who Cares?

Kampung Chickens have never been endowed with “good looks.” Even day-old chicks it are difficult to fuss and coo over. They grow rapidly to teenage. At this time they are equipped with scaly, lanky legs, a bomb of a body, a long neck on which is loosely affixed an atrociously ugly head. Their mothers abandon them pretty quickly. By early middle age they are scarred, defeathered in parts and sport a limp. Thankfully they are dispatched by late middle age. This is the time when they are judged to have absorbed enough nutrition to be “good for you.”

Who Owns Who?

Kampung chickens are never actually reared. They are nearly always inherited from one's father, grandfather and so on. The current generations of chickens are likely to be descendants of a long line of illustrious chickens. Like a Patek Philippe they are never owned but held in trust for the next generation.

Sometimes it is unclear who owns who? The chickens officially have the rights to forage in the backyard and the neighborhood. However they are tolerantly allowed to use the house, very much as it were their own. They strut around with their chicks freely. Eggs are laid on the family sofa. Hatching is often done in the clothes cupboard. They have a strong preference to roost in the back of the television cabinet. Consequently it is not unusual to hear the five-o-clock crowing with the early news.

Land of Plenty of Chickens

Java is all volcanic and extremely fertile. Everything grows in this island.Kampung chickens therefore have an extensive menu. They eat without a break, except when roosting or during sex. When bored with what Nature has laid out for them they peck at and gobble up what man has discarded. Newspapers, plastics, buttons, shoe laces, cigarette butts and nails are fought over and polished off with great relish. Yet these birds never seem to fatten up. They are immune from all blights and diseases. They remain scrawny but tough. The female of the species is stronger than the male. The cock is all show with little substance. The female is a smart bundle foraging and pecking around, it seems, with set business-like objectives. The humans amongst kampong chickens seem to have somehow acquired their characteristics.

When The Time Comes

When the time comes for them to be dispatched for the pot, all the children in the neighbored are recruited along with the canniest adults to catch the doomed

chicken or chickens. The chase with much shrieks and squawks could last for an hour or so and cover several square kilometers. But once caught the birds stop squawking and stoically accept their fate-“If a chicken has got to go, it's got to go.”

Millions of chickens go every day to be part of nourishing meals all over Java. Kampong chicken transportation is big business employing thousands and involving hundreds of vehicles. Not unusual considering the millions of chickens dispatched daily. Trains, buses, trucks, taxis, rickshaws, bicycles and bunches of these poor birds hitched up like saddle-bags on motorcycles are the preferred means of transportation. In emergencies it has been known for chickens to fly concealed on board commercial airlines. Their silent acceptance of their fate is particularly helpful during surreptitiously devised conveyances.

Chicken Cuisine

At their destinations Kampung chickens are reserved for the healthier recipes at establishments known for their nutritious cuisine. They are never part of Hainan Chicken Rice and are shunned by Kentucky Fried. They are destined for much nobler purposes; the nucleus of a cuisine of a healthy and virile Java.

There is an extensive range of healthy kampung chicken recipes. Fortunately you can sample them without much searching and presumably get to be really healthy in no time.

Everywhere in Java, in every street you will find rows of carts, tarpaulin covered cafes,

warungs,rumah makans and regular restaurants. The main courses are the respective unique” house” recipes of kampung chicken soups, bowls of noodles, porridge and soto(noodles, bits of chicken in a light curry).

Hungry and weary tourists should lookout for these signs on food carts or food stalls,” SOP AYAM” (Chicken Soup). They are prolific and exist on every street. Or you may hail a motorcycle “SOP AYAM” or “BUBUR AYAM” (Chicken rice porridge) mobile kitchen hitched up on the back seat. There is much choice in establishments and well as “brands” and you may want to take your time to select what seems to appeal most. A generous bowl will cost you no more than 50cents with side dishes and a clutch of sauces. Hot tea is extra. A tip of ten percent will be received gratefully.

You will emerge strengthened and refreshed and mentally alleviated. There is no good taking a recipe home to mother, even if you can coax it out of the chef, unless you can take the main ingredient along and that of course is impossible. Kampong chickens travel poorly.

Chicken Economy

Thanks to kumpung chickens it is estimated that nearly 30 million people are full-time or part-time employed in the chicken soup or chicken porridge industry. These include the cook, his or her assistant, the cleaning-up guy, shared bucket carrier, waste disposal guy, the slaughterers, the pluckers, the marketers, the middle-men (there must always be middle men in Java) and the premen(the brawny protectors of roadside businesses). Allied beneficiaries are the spice, condiments, chilies, secret herbs, crackers, soy sauce, tofu, spring onions, cloves, and garlic and onion traders.

Chicken feet procurers buy in batches of five kilogram bundles which they sell at a good profit to Dim Sum restaurants in the cities. The Kumpung chicken industry and its various spin-offs was one of domestic engines which generated wheels of redeeming economic activity during the Asian Crisis of 1998 and kept the country's head above rough waters.

Tourists anxious to meet and make the acquaintance of kampong chicken will have no difficult in encountering them. They are everywhere. It mustn't be forgotten that Java is probably the most densely chicken populated island on earth. Simply look around and you will meet at one of them with minutes of your arrival in Java.

By this time Bali got named “The Island of the Gods” and became one of world's foremost holiday and bumming locations. Packed with expensive hotels and villas, fairly good art but mainly kitsch and cries of “Hey Mister”, this heaven among other irritations is very expensive to be on.

The Cheaper Paradise

Java which is entirely volcanic, on the other hand is packed with spectacular views, a long backbone of volcanoes, tropical jungles, beaches, a haunting presence of most of the major civilizations and a population engrossed in their own daily affairs, is exquisitely sensuous. It is one of the more generous spots on earth. Java is paradise but not a tourist one.

Yes there are five star comforts to be sure in the cities. The infrastructure is simple or practical in the lovely interiors. No five star accommodation. Two stars at best, if any at all. In these parts “sights” are left to fend for themselves without even the support of a soft-drink kiosk. The people are busy at day-to-day living. They may spare you a hesitant smile but wouldn't know how to call out “Hey Mister.” The Gods charge visitors very little on this paradise. But promise a most gratifying experience.

One Great Buffet

It may sound a bit of a rugged experience. In truth it is not. For example, take a traveler's basic need, food. There are no starred restaurants but the food is fabulous. Breakfast is usually chicken porridge, “bubur ayam”, in Central Java.

Available at carts or little rudimentary” cafés”. Delicious with boiled rice, pepped up with backyard spices, fortified with herbs and sprinkled with bits of chicken (organic of course). Washed down with superb tea (leaves plucked and cured down the road), this meal will cost you sixty cents. Java is really one large buffet.

Every street offers carts, shacks, shelters, café's canteens and restaurants with mind boggling variety of foods. Java is one of Indonesia's 17,000 islands. Yet it, not only offers food from almost every one of the islands but also from every town and city in Java. There is Bandung Satay, Padang Satay, Ox Tail stewed, fried or curried from all over, Madura Noodles, fantastically spicy Menado dishes, local versions of beef jerky,Acheh Fried Noodles, Fried Rices from almost everywhere with almost anything for ingredients; the list is endless.

Like a buffet at the Four Seasons, you just walk along and make your choices. If you are a big eater it may cost to a princely sum of six dollars.

While poverty exists in Java, thirty percent exist on $2 a day; a traveler will not come across anyone starving. For two reasons, Java is bountifully fertile. Two dollars does help, if a little, to buy food. There is also another reason; Javanese, whatever the world perceives their faults maybe, are extraordinarily philanthropic. They give recklessly.

Strictly Not For Tourists

Java, though rich with “sights,” is not a “sight-seeing” destination. Java is not for tourists who come to relax. Java is for travelers who are eager to know. Earliest arrivals in Java were the Hominids. The cranial fossil of the Java Man, about five million years old, was unearthed in 1891. More recent visitors were Ptolemy and Marco Polo. The former a geographer and the latter a professional traveler probably hit upon Java by accident. History, maybe folk tales record, that they were impressed and surprised.

Whatever they, or subsequent celebrity visitors may say of this island, the best thing about Java is its lack of pretense. A striking contrast to its aggressive brand dedicated (not always accurate) neighbors. Java is Java. Home of almost every spice, clove and herb known. Every natural cure heard and unheard of.

Home of the most imaginative food and beverage recipes in the world.

Home of intriguing batik haute couture. Home of exciting cocoa. The world's biggest manufacturers of quality shirts. Home of numerous spirits, benevolent and malevolent. Island of the most volcanoes, active and dormant, in the world. Place where some really awful films are made. Regrettably because Java is probably home of the very first cinemas, the “shadow plays” theatres of centuries past. In Central Java, now showing, at various locations, is the longest running play in the world, “Ramayana”; first performance sometime in the sixth century?

Java is also repository of a massive collection of a million years of vocal history. Daily news to spread speedily from mouth-to-mouth and is deliciously entertaining. It is worth getting someone to translate for you.

The Best Bus System in The World

Java is a race-track to eighty million motorcycles. And the world's best bus transportation system.

The Bus Transportation is divided into four categories. Plush air-conditioned cruisers, Executive Buses, Economy Buses and ankots(Covered mini-vans). They connect the whole island and ply in all villages; towns and cities.Ankots and Economy buses are staffed by a driver and conductor. They provide the ultimate in customer-service. They will die for their customer. Sadly, sometimes they do. Service on board Singapore Airlines pales in comparison.

Ankots and Economy buses stop anywhere for their customers. Even in the middle of a busy road or in the centre of an intersection. If they can't for some reason, stop, run alongside, and the conductor who hangs out of the back door, will sweep you up gracefully into the vehicle. Many Economy buses and ankots provide a mini live band for customer entertainment (I swear this is true). Customers pay a humble two cents for this. Iced drinks, snacks, newspapers and cigarettes are sold on board. You can even sometimes buy something as extraordinary as a Javanese speaking parrot.

There seems to be millions of buses. Especially Economy buses and Ankots. There is one born every minute. As a result transportation for a traveler is excellent. A wait for a bus in a town or city rarely exceeds five minutes. A great way to meet Javanese.

More personalized transportation is available.” Ojeks,” or motorcycle taxis are available to take you anywhere and especially where buses can't go. The fare averages around 50cents with including free use of the helmet. Traffic rules don't apply to “ojeks” therefore they take the shortest distance between two points, even if it means going against the traffic or leaping over road dividers.

Tourist Services

The Javanese are entrepreneurial. Travelers may avail themselves of numerous services in all towns and villages. The most advertised on lamp-posts, walls and with banners are hair salons (you could have a choice of up to ten every two kilometers), “cuci-sofa” (Sofa cleaning),”baduts”(party clowns) and “ketow-magic”(car repair by magic). Weary travelers may look out for “pijat” (massage) signs, also easy to come by as are “baby-sitters”. Doctors, dentists, traditional cures, modern pharmacies, local medical shops and magical cures are always within easy reach. “wartels”, little places where you can make telephone calls while enjoying a bowl of noodles and “warnets”, little places with internet facilities are plentiful, Costs for any of these services are cheap.

To blonde your hair in a village will cost no more than two dollars. A massage that puts you right in an hour, just one dollar. Baby-sitters, negotiable. Tipping is expected and ten percent will suffice. Transactions are always in cash.

Shopping

Things unique and possibly appreciated back home are available all around often direct from the craftsmen themselves. Superb colonial Dutch and Javanese antiques abound. Very intricate shadow play figures, Javanese doll-puppets with moveable arms, drum casings made of mahogany(eventually exported to Europe and United States), full-sized rocking horses, excellent teas and coffees, local tonics for almost every ailment, local Viagra in capsules or tonics, silverware and jewelry, pearls from the Java oysters and dried and okay-to-keep indefinitely or ready-to-eat dried and spiced fish. You can take home a crate of treasure for what you would pay, for a night in a four star accommodation in Bali.

You won't see much, if any advertising of Java. Most traveler or tourist information on Indonesia tends to focus much on Bali and attractions mostly manufacturer by the Ministry of Tourism (I guess it's their job) and travel agents. Java remains, most often, as an accidental encounter. Major airlines fly to Jakarta. From where you can bus, fly or take a train to the best of Java.