Although the Whitehouse was oblivious to where or what Afghanistan was, the Kremlin was well clued-in, and as the aircraft carrying me touched down in Moscow on a snowy night the Soviet invasion was launched. My connecting flight out of Moscow to Kabul was just not going to happen.

I was totally ignorant of what was going on. So was the Whitehouse, Greenhouse, Brownhouse and all the other houses who were going to have to get out their maps and magnifying glasses to find this place that only existed because Moscow was after it. Moscow hadn't confided in me either.

With no information about any flights being communicated I at last tracked down a matronly-looking woman and demanded to know where I should go for the flight to Kabul. She feigned ignorance of English, but when I wouldn't let go of her sleeve she gave in and said crossly “Go out that door over there”, pointing at an ominously blank-looking door with her big, stubbly chin.

I obeyed. Outside snow was falling heavily from a very black sky and the air was drenched in fumes of aircraft fuel. A line of Ilyushin jets, about 20 of them, stood in line obviously waiting for take-off. None had a big sign reading Kabul. Officials, passengers, soldiers, snow drifts … what was a 19 year old non-Russian speaker to do?

The solution was obvious - follow someone who looked kind. There were no such people around so I tagged on behind a posse of civilians. Someone said “Kabul” along the line so that encouraged me a bit, but not overly.

At the bottom of the steps passports were checked again and destinations asked about and it was then that I found out that there was a problem with the flight to Kabul and I'd been bumped onto one for Delhi. If I'd picked the next plane in the line as some people had, I'd have been for Karachi, the next for Vienna and so on, but I'd picked Delhi. I was going to India.

India arrived under the aircraft's wheels six hours later and in the baggage hall I discovered that my baggage had not come with me.

Five days later it turned up having travelled from Moscow to Karachi then back to Moscow before following me on to Delhi.

Disaster? No.

It felt rather bad at first and there was no-one available to blame which is always a bit of a disappointment, but it was really no inconvenience at all. My style of travelling lent itself to that sort of thing. All I needed was a blanket. I knew Delhi well and had a great time there and moreover I received $US 20 compensation!!!

The best part however was going to a very upmarket hotel for lunch. What a hotel, what a lunch! The Prime Minister of Malaysia was also there along with diplomats from everywhere (not the Soviet Union though). At the end I walked past the pay desk and said with confidence and command, and without stopping, “Charge that to Aeroflot”.

Second time my baggage was “mishandled” (their euphemism, not mine) was with easyJet on a flight from London to Turin, but I'll tell you all about that some other time when the compensation comes through.

Additionally, the lakes and rivers can be harvested as required for additional water as required to maximize production. There is excess water which should be pumped into our fleet of tankers and distributed globally as per your needs analysis.

Nationally there will be no resistance. It will be unlikely they will even be aware they are being invaded. The air force, comprising two planes, is permanently overseas either ferrying aid to struggling Pacific Islands or transporting dignitaries to watch the All Blacks, the national rugby team and official religion of New Zealand.

The Navy on the other hand, one frigate and an inflatable, is permanently tied up in Devonport, in Auckland Harbour owing to a lack of money to supply fuel. It is suggested, Auckland, the Capital City, is left until later in the invasion process as the harbor is particularly busy with leisure craft and could pose a navigational hazard. Additionally, the people of Auckland would not be suited to manual labor. It is suggested they could provide support services such as catering.

New Zealanders are a resourceful race and there will be local resistance but it is expected to be sporadic. It is essential the invasion plan is cognizant of brewery installations, as the preservation of beer supply to the populace will severely undermine any will to resist.

Internationally, no one will object as the benefits of having a huge market garden on the South Pacific are obvious. Any likelihood of formal protest is very low as there are not many countries left that have not been offended in some way by the Prime Minister, Charlotte Clark, the adopted grand daughter of Helen Clark who was the country ruler from late last century.

Given the demoralized state of the country at this time, owing to an unsuccessful tenth attempt to regain the Americas Cup, it is suggested our force invade immediately.