To evaluate this problem, the Gordon Institute of Business Science (not a new kind of Gin especially for BComms) was tasked with ways of attracting American tourists to this country. To cut a long story short, they decided that Americans, especially Black Americans (Afro-Americans to you), were principally interested in interacting with local people and learning about indigenous culture. Of course, Afro-Americans would be interested in just that, since they have none of their own and each believes that South Africa is his real motherland, despite the fact that most had their origins in West and Central Africa, some thousands of miles from here.

GIBS decided that the best way to encourage American tourism was, amongst other more ordinary ideas, to provide each group with its own photographer (so that DVDs and CDs of the famous trip could be made) and the result taken home to bore all their friends with.

However, the Stellenbosh School of Business was also tasked with throwing some ideas into the pot and they, quite correctly, pointed out that Americans are very security-conscious and that a priority would be the provision of security to each group to ensure that negative perceptions about this country are dispelled. Interesting.

This means that, if these suggestions are taken up by SA Tourism, it will be very easy to spot groups of American tourists in future: they will be issued on arrival with bullet-proof vests, flack jackets, a group of armed security guards (the number of whom will depend on the size of the visiting party), and at least one photographer versed in the art of both digital and movie photography, together with all his paraphernalia.

The groups will leave the airport in armored vehicles, wearing helmets and possibly gasmasks and will be armed on arrival with cattle-prods and devices to electrify their wallets if these were to fall into foreign hands. They will then make haste on the road towards Soweto or Khayelitsha, where, surrounded by bodyguards, they will venture forth to look from a distance at the locals who will be trained to perform such acts as may be deemed “African”. The groups will all wear special protective clothing and will be warned strongly against any direct interaction or fraternization with the locals because of the very real risk of AIDS.

On departure, their planes will be specially checked for any device which may assist a would-be hijacker, and they will be adequately disinfected before being allowed to alight on American soil again.

You think I joke? Wait and see.