I took a room in a house in Calangute, not that far from Mapusa (or Mapça, whichever is in vogue now). There was a cluster of mud-walled, thatch-roofed houses sitting together in a palm grove that gave onto the beach. No electricity, no running water. An idyll. The family was most proud of one facility they had installed recently for the comfort of western travellers - there were no holiday-makers back then - they had installed a toilet. Pure, gleaming white porcelain it was, sitting like a throne on a raised mound of hard earth behind the house with a straw fence around for privacy. Never yet been used.

I think the family were a bit annoyed that I chose to use their own original arrangements on the first day - a hole in the ground secreted in a less conspicuous corner of the yard and screened off by a mud wall. I knew that as soon as I would have sat on the porcelain a crowd would have gathered to peer through the generous gaps in the fence to catch a glimpse of … well we get the picture, and it wouldn't have been a pretty one.

That night however I decided to ingratiate myself with my landlord so I ventured out to use his toilet. By then I knew that all the children were asleep and that no-one would have eyesight good enough to be able to penetrate the darkness well enough to see much. So off I went.

I took a torch, the one luxury item I allowed myself when travelling. I took my little jar of water as well, having forgone the luxury of paper.

My fear was snakes, and I intended turning the torch off once I had found my way to the toilet. Inside I shone the beam all round the walls and floor making sure no reptile was lurking. Then I turned the light into the toilet bowl itself just to be certain, and resting just where I would have expected water, was a large pink and black wet living thing. It moved. I moved. It wasn't a snake.

Round the back of the hut I found an enormous water buffalo, its tongue stuck into the open pipe leading from the toilet

The arrangements where that everything deposited in the porcelain bowl would slither on out the back of the hut into an open drain, which in turn led on into a stream that flowed into the sea. Problem was the buffalo had got there first.

Now I don't know how far a buffalo's tongue can reach, but I wasn't risking lowering my butt onto that seat.

Be alert of a giant dancing squid while swimming!

Please do not poop on the tree!

Cool, what type of burger is termed “Yo baby burger?”

Actually reads: “Watch for children...they could be yours.” What is the purpose of this sign? Do kids in Quebec usually go to the road and then become unconscious?

An emergency brake found in a Dutch train. Nevertheless, someone purposely wrote “room service” on it, which means pull here for room service!

Be careful; do not let the sea claim your car!

Coffee and what?! Some snack of SNAKE...

If your dog has a giant hair on his neck, he will be the next king.

Wait! The ducklings and their mother are crossing the road.

The poop is in an odd shape, it looks like charcoal ice cream.

...the latest design of a toilet ball?

Hmmm ... lost the faith in GOD?

It is Ok you do not speak Dutch, as “urinoir” means...

The sign says “Warning! Trying to climb the bin is dangerous.” Someone may change his mind at the last minute by climbing into this old clothes collection bin and be mistaken for donation.

Do not use your laptop while...

The sign means, “Take your dog's poop home!” Oops, poop has feelings, too! The poop has an angry face, how funny is that?!

Hey, kid, you do not hit your target!

...have people really locked and suffocated their toddlers in the plastic bin that call for a warning sign???

Awesome! Monkeys or coworkers...

Hmmm ... an emergency meeting area...

The sign in Japanese reads: “Smoking in a clump of people is bad. People's coats are mostly expensive.”

Wow, UFO ...an alien abduction area?!

Naked men with hats not allowed entering the church.

Oh no...Is this “modern” corpse transportation? Why is this stiff dead man still smiling?

What kind of bin is this? Do not put fish or a bag in the bin or it will bite you. ...oh no, dwarves and children cannot use it too...hmmm...anyway do not stick your head in it.

Danger! You will be chased by possessed construction machinery"....

No passing gas here, please!

An explosive car should not be here!

Do not flush baby bottle, fork, syringe, bottle, cup and underwear down the toilet!

Attention! Mr. Superman, do not cross here!

Mr. Elk: “Hey you alien baby, do not touch my antler velvet!”

Do not laser your hand! It will turn black!

Japan Tobacco made a series of these posters to encourage smokers to be more polite about litter and smoking in public places. Some of them are indeed very poetic.

Do not smoke here or a man in a top black hat will break one of your legs with a smile.

Shut up! Let us go! (A comedy group called "Eure Muetter" means “Your mother” is coming around to present their new program "Nix da "Leck mich!" Auf geht's!" that means "Shut up! Let us go!")

Mr. Pooper, do not poop here, please!

In the name of love, STOP!!!

If you let wheels and turtles roll into the bowl, you are not going to rocket away by the power of your bowel!

Oops, upside down ducks like swimming in the garbage ponds?!

Hmmm……..toilet for two headed female?!

For those who aim the best………probably this is the right place.

Wow, what kind of coffee is this?

Confused…….Non? Oui?

“WRONG WAY” or “GNORW YAW” ……???

The sign says in Spanish, “Jesus Christ is the remedy...?”

Oops … A tree with a BRA. Awesome though!

Hmmm… Does the sign that is located upside down means that one can queue across the intersection?

Perhaps this is not a good place to buy foods.

Female may feel nervous of using this restroom.

Ideal place for one stop shopping: buy some real estates, get a haircut and a divorce for $99.

Many of the so-called "caution signs" are often portrayed as universally recognized logos or drawings. These signs point out a specific area of caution, and try to draw attention to it's warning, although these signs can often be amusing, funny, and sometimes, just downright strange. In any case, proceed with caution.

Be careful of strong winds, they may blow you away - in a grocery cart..

In the case of an outbreak of fire, run quickly with a fire extinguisher in your hand.

Does this street really lead to downtown Mongolia?

Please keep your elephant outside, no elephants allowed in the store please.

No fun and entertainment allowed here!

If you drop a hat on the station platform, please find a stationmaster. He will use an amazing grabbing tool to get it back for you.

Will Jesus be appearing personally at the January sale?

You can run, but you will never hide from us. We know where you live.

Maybe you are looking for a store that sells only bread, eggs, cigarettes and soaps?

Get on the bandwagon, you and 8 million mosquitoes.

The “hardware” performs well, but only without windows.

Do you love the one called PORK?

This store either has a child bear, or they have cold beer. Which one?.

Check out the Japanese Auto Rock!.

Please do not let your dog poop on the red line!

The grass is sleeping, please do not step on it.

Would you even want to be a Gamma in the Land of Lamas?

Do not leave cigarette puff on the floor as they may burn the hands and knees of the customers.Mmm, leaving on your hands and knees are you?

He aims, she aims, but just hit the target please!

Please remove your arms BEFORE entering the building!

Maybe not the best place to study English..."

Finally, a logical sign that makes sense.

Attention, this location does not allow you to have sexual contact with goats.

If you encounter a bear, don't be a tough guy, bears don't box.

If you see a jumping baby, don't try to catch it.

Smoking is no problem here, but passing gas is strictly forbidden!

Not a lot of choice here...

An excellent place to wear your sandals, but no sexy underwear allowed here!

Either there are a chocolate ice cream cones available, or there is one of the massive looking piles of poop up ahead that you may have ever seen. Please watch out!

Park your vehicle with all wheels firmly on the ground, no hovering allowed here.

Dear crossing, It has been a long time...

Be alert that drunken people will be seen crawling in this area, pay them no mind.

Houghton is approximately 2 km past the edge of the world, follow the signs carefully."

This is a tricky one, please pass with care.

Traffic lights never turn green here. Would you like a cup of coffee while you wait?

Is this a one way road in both directions or is it a two-way road in one direction?

Please pay attention and read the fine print on this sign. Violators will be prosecuted!.

I think that this sidewalk isn't quite sure what it wants to be.

Is a Coca-Cola really being sold in fashionable Indian made pottery jars, or is that just a locally available version??

I know what you are thinking, but please don't play with those.