For those who haven't been to the Philippines for a long time or at all, FXs are public utility vehicles, usually Toyota Tamaraw FX models -- hence the name - that are used to transport people just like taxi. The only difference from a real taxi is that an FX can take as much as 10 passengers at the same time. The FX cab follows a defined route, and the driver simply drops off his passengers wherever they want along that route.

Now, in taking an FX ride, you better think like you're playing a game where the goal is to reach your place of destination still in one piece.

If you don't know how to play the game, you could lose big time.

So here are some tips on how the human species could survive not global warming but FX riding in the Philippines.

1. Before leaving the house on your way to office, do the most important thing of all - pray. Use positive words when praying. For instance, don't say, “God, please don't let me get run over by a truck.” Chances are, that negative idea could seep into your consciousness and make you prone to accident. So pray instead, “God, let me get a ride fast, let my travel be smooth and safe, let me reach my office on time. This I pray to help brighten up my day to enable me to work in the most productive manner possible for the good of all.” Don't miss “for the good of all” since if you skip that, you'll sound selfish, and good fortune may not be kind on selfish people.
2. If you're riding in an FX terminal, that's better since you'll have more time to check the exterior and the interior of the vehicle before boarding. If you're hailing a passing FX cab, get a quick look on the exterior of the vehicle. Is it a dirty ancient sardine can crawling on wheels? Better skip that one. If it's old, there's greater chance that its aircon is actually a hot air blower and that it would develop engine trouble along the way.
3. If you're not in too much of a hurry, make a quick scan of the passengers already inside the cab. If a person resembling Jaba the Hutt is seated in the front seat, don't go there. If another obese person is plonked in the middle seats, don't squeeze yourself in there, too. But if there's a chubby at the back, that's ok since the back seats of an FX taxi have more butt room although very less leg room.
4. If you're the chubby one and your butt actually occupies a space good for two normal-sized people, have the decency to pay for two seats so that the four-seater middle seats will have only three occupants. But if your budget is limited, okay, pay for one seat but don't complain if you get squeezed by the other passengers.
5. Trust your instincts. If you see suspicious looking passengers inside, don't risk it. Get out and take another FX cab. Although some criminals these days look suave, even charming, still there are tell-tale signs of people who are up to no good: Shabby people who look like Neanderthals or baboons with long unkempt hair; people with sharp, scary eyes; people who exude an air of all-around badness. It's difficult to describe them actually, but when in their presence you could feel that sense of foreboding.
6. If you're really in a hurry and you're left with no choice but to become part of the FX “sardines,” don't be too shy with your seatmates. Gently nudge your seatmate to give even an extra millimeter of room for your butt. Or better yet request him or her to move just a wee bit further. Never shove your hips on your seatmate too forcefully or aggressively, or he or she might just poke you in the eye.
7. Recline your back on the seat's backrest for comfort, even if your shoulders or upper arm touch those of your seatmates. Don't tilt your body vertically just to avoid touching your seatmates' shoulders or arms. This tenses your back muscles, making the ride uncomfortable for you and you may later develop unnecessary back pain or cramps.
8. If you're seated in front, prefer the window seat rather than the one near the driver. If you're forced to sit near the driver, as much as possible put some distance - which is easier said than done, I know - since chances are the driver's knuckles would brush on your thigh when he shifts the gear stick.
9. If you're seated at the rear of the cab, prefer the seat nearer the aircon vent since you could adjust the aircon grille to your preference. But don't be too selfish and do adjust the grille so that your seatmate could have some cool air, too. The seats nearer the aircon vent could also have more leg room if you position your body at a 45-degree angle from your seat so that your knees touch the back of the middle seats' backrest.
10. Also, check from what side of the FX cab the sun is shining. If it's on the left, prefer the right seats and vice versa. Being scorched by sunlight on a sardine-like vehicle could be like frying yourself in your own lard.
11. Try to stretch your legs or move your feet even a bit, especially if you're at the rear seats. This will help you avoid cramps.
12. To get rid of boredom during the ride, this is the best time to listen to your I-Pod, but not if the FX stereo is blaring loud music. Even if you ram the I-Pod earpiece into your eardrum, you'd still hear the noise from the loud FX stereo - mixed noise that's a sure recipe for headache.
13. If you don't have an I-Pod, or an MP3 player, or a cell phone with radio, well, you can just hum a tune - in your head only, not aloud for Pedro's sake!
14. If you're through with humming a tune in your head, try to use the empty travel time productively. Plan your day, your activities, the details of your work mentally. Try to think of how best to improve your relationships with your friends, your officemates, your family members. Think of how best to manage your finances, your business. Think of how best to spread happiness and prosperity in your own circle (In my case, I thought about the ideas for this article on a one-hour FX ride from Lawton to Las Pinas just last night).
15. There will always be passengers who have boundless capacities to irritate their seatmates. These are the loudmouths who talk on their cell phones as if nobody is around them to hear their silly stories, petty quarrels and corny jokes. Then there are the saliva sprayers who talk nonstop to their companions seated beside them. The best way to avoid being victimized by noise polluters inside an FX taxi is to simply blank your mind - again easier said than done but worth trying nevertheless. There is an apt word for this in the Harry Potter lexicon: Occlumency - the art of closing your mind to all thoughts.
16. What about passengers who stink to high heavens? Before taking an FX taxi ride, be prepared: Put a dab of cologne or perfume in your handkerchief and put the latter in your nose as soon as the stink hits you. No, wearing a gas mask would be too obvious.
17. For safety, lock the door of the cab as it starts moving. When the passenger seated near the dog alights from the cab, occupy his seat and lock the door anew to prevent intruders from barging into the cab.
18. Try to bring exact fare money or at least smaller denomination bills so that it would be easier for the driver to give you your change. Handing the driver a 1,000-peso bill a second before barking “Para!” could merit you a well-deserved tongue lashing from the driver.
19. Don't put all your money in your wallet. If you have a bag, put some money there. This way, in case you - God forbid - get robbed of your wallet, you'll still have enough money to at least get you to your destination.
20. Don't flaunt your expensive cell phone either inside or outside the cab. They are the most tempting targets for snatchers and their ilk. Put your phone in silent mode, and don't answer even if it rings or vibrates while you're still inside the vehicle. This is not just for the sake of security but for decency as well.
21. If you have to send a text message, keep it short so as not to disturb other passengers with the light coming from your phone's screen. Also, avoid peeping into the cell phones of other passengers when they write text messages. That's considered an invasion of privacy which could land you in trouble. How would you like it if other people get to read your secret messages?

For sure, there are other ways to make an FX ride as comfortable and as safe as possible despite the many hassles involved. Whatever they are, there's one basic guideline for all FX riders: Keep cool.

There was no StarPlus with its sans's and bahus, no ESPN with guys continuously running between wickets in some country trying to beat some other country, no nothing. Only Doordarshan. So the younger ones saw cartoons, documentaries on Nehru , punctuated with " Amchi Mati Amchi Mansa" the program with the highest farmer TRP's. The kids would draw a card at home, attentively color it till the pencil pierced through the paper; never mind.... ; it was given and accepted with much grace and appreciation . If you had a garden, you plucked a flower, and clutching it as if it was gold, took it to school, to present it to your class teacher. Paanch rupaiyya, ek phool was blasphemy.

Once folks got a whiff of the impending globalization, we were suddenly subject to an onslaught of Mothers, Fathers and Valentines Day. Not to speak of Friendship Day. Shopkeepers , whose limit of ambition had reached up to selling Maggie Noodles, suddenly started stocking, satin ribbons to be sold by the metre, for Friendship day. Nine shining inches of a silky ribbon , when tied on the hands of someone , you probably met only when you wanted some class notes, signified eternal friendship !

Just in case your interest waned, or you appeared to be responding to your parents suggestion of not wasting money on such things, the TV channels ensured that you did the stuff , lest you be branded a kaku type...(unfortunate name, that).

I thought time had come to define certain indigenous days , more in keeping with our Desi ethos.

BNBC: Be Nice to the Bus Conductor Day

My eternal tribute to the BEST bus service of Mumbai. the buses may creak, rock, rattle, the driver may do the same, but the bus takes you from A to B, while the conductor exhibits an uncanny ability to slither through a packed bus from back to front, without outraging anyone (or anyones modesty). (Suggested activities : carry exact change, share a chocolate/chikki with the conductor, get up when he tells you to vacate a ladies' seat (without an argument or frown). Say Thank you to the driver and conductor when you get off. Ram-Ram is even better. See how he goes into first gear with new vigor on the Jogeshwari Vikhroli Link Rd.

HRD: Hamara Rasta Day

Please note that HRD has no connection AT ALL with a ministry of the same name. On this one day, folks should desist from saying "Kya ye aap ke baap ka rasta hai ?". (Suggested activities : take a detour around the bhajiwalla, instead of leaping close to the tomatoes; shake your head instead of mouthing something bad; exchange high-fives with the vadawallah after you politely move aside to let a truck pass a foot away from the stall.)

HD: Hornless Day

There are a variety of ways one can observe this. Keep your vehicle at home and walk. Be creative in communication through your vehicle window, if you are forced to use the vehicle at all. Glaring at a taxi driver and saying "dikhta nahi kya ?" does NOT earn you any points.... Drive at a sedate pace, so others are forced to drive the same way. Enjoy the scenery, the trafficjams, the dug up roads, the wandering bovine population looking for a relic of the past - a blade of green grass....

L+ Security day

This will be ONE day on which the X, Y, and Z security types are left to themselves. The several jeeps, constables, inspectors, lights on vehicles and sirens can be put to much better use. And L+ will be a day dedicated to the Ladies Security . Remember Chivalry ? Well, Let the ladies get into the bus ahead of you. If you see someone pretending to be thinner than he is, and trying to squeeze through to the front of the bus through a congregation of ladies, make him remember his "nani", a super L+ lady. If you are traveling at night in the suburban train, travel after 7:30pm in the ladies dabba, not because its allowed, but beacuse the few ladies who travel late may feel they have someone to help them. If you see guys whizzing past on cycles and motorcycles dangerously close to ladies with glistening long mangalsutras, take a diving leap to stop the thieves, in a manner that Moammed Kaif would approve ....

BBD: BhajiwaliBai Day

Avoid the Bhajiwalla Bhaiyyas (BB) on this day. Buy your vegetables only from the bahji ladies on this day. Notice how you get more of bhaji, suddenly. Say Mavshibai, and ask her where her hometown is. Comment on how smart her son is (who is arranging the lemons artistically), and pretend NOT to notice as she adds ONE more sheaf of Kothmeer in your bag.

ID: Immobile Day

Leave your mobile at home, along with the hands free kit. All those who think you are mad when they see you talking and laughing with yourself on the road, will be reassured. Music in the cacophony of buses is sometimes OK; but have you heard a Sonata in 392 Major, where "Saare jahan se achcha", "just chill chill" and "kajra Re" continuously play while you are trying to shout the name of the bus stop to the conductor ? And sometimes everyone speaks so loudly on the phone, that you wonder why the require a phone at all; just holler. All Talk time is permanently free.

Class 7 day (C7D)

The immediate consequence of everyone getting hyper about classes 10 and 12 is that once the children go to class 8, parents get into PUSH Mode. Free time from 5 am to 8 am ? No Problem. Join a class. Last years highest was 99.9. Its always "WE mange More" (and I am not talking about the selection committee for cricket). Study, Study, beat your buddy, you must get 99.9999. On the occasion of C7D, take the children on an excursion somewhere. Honor the sports kids in your school. Applaud the artists and admire their art work and performances. Have some non-engineers, non-doctors, and some such , come and chat with the kids on what they do. Get your kids to visit an institute for differently-enabled special kids. Play cricket with them . Life consists of SO many things other than Engineers, doctors, computer scientists, and managers....

LTD: Local Train Day

They are the Lifeline. While we cling in doorways, squeeze into compartments, specialize in saying "zara sarkoon ghya " (just push that side a bit...), so one more can lay claim to 36 square inches of plywood , day after day, month after month, the motorman simply follows the Bhagwad Gita ; he continues to do his work, without expectation of any reward. Instead, whenever there is a train strike, and some senseless people take their anger out on trains, these guys get beaten up. NO one, and i repeat , no one, ever, waves , smiles, and says thank you to them, when they stand taking a breather at the terminus , in the doorway of their train cabin, waiting for the next signal to fall. So, on an LTD, meet your motorman, wish him well, introduce your children to him, and tell him you admire his difficult job. If he has an off period, have an impromptu chai with him along with the people in the railway dabba.