If my calculations are correct, more kids break down crying every hour inside the Magic Kingdom than anywhere else on the planet. It's not that the sun is hot, the lines are long or, to quote Robin Williams, “Mickey Mouse to a three-year-old is a six-foot (bleep)ing rat.” No, the real problem with Disney World is that your parents have just shelled out enough cash to afford a rather high-end television set, giving them an almost inhuman need to get their money's worth no matter what. So they drag you from ride to ride, character to character, photo op to photo op, not caring that you're perpetually ten seconds away from a complete emotional meltdown. As a result the phrase, “Stop screaming so Mommy can take a picture,” is uttered an average of nine million times per day.
Despite the fact that Disney World was always a favorite destination for my family growing up, it became obvious to me that “the happiest place on earth” was, in fact, no place for children. I vowed never to bring my own kids until they were at least ten years old and well above the age of toddler-hood tantrums. But when my wife and I found ourselves visiting family in Orlando this summer we decided to brave the prospective melodrama and take our three-year-old, Allison to the Mouse House for a day of… fun? The decision was made easier by the fact that we had Disney-employed relatives who got us in for free. So even if Allison cried the entire time and we left after only an hour, at least we could still justify buying that 40-inch plasma screen with 1080i capabilities when we got home.
We hit a number of the Magic Kingdom's usual haunts-rides, parades, character greetings-but because we hadn't invested any money into the day, we felt no compulsion to hit all of them. If a line was longer than thirty minutes, we skipped it. If a ride looked at all scary, we avoided it. When the afternoon got hot, we spent a cool and refreshing hour circling the Magic Kingdom on the lineless Disney World Railroad. When Allison fell asleep during Pirates of the Caribbean, we didn't wake her. When it became obvious she was having more fun running through the S.S. Miss Daisy water playground, we didn't pressure her to finish up. And when she clung to our leg at the sight of Winnie the Pooh in the flesh, we didn't force her to pose for nightmare-inducing photos. Freed from that burden of “getting our money's worth” the three of us had a truly magical day indeed. The only tears that were shed happened when some kid on the Miss Daisy accidentally squirted water in Allison's eye.
I had an epiphany that day: the only way for toddlers and their parents to truly enjoy a visit to Disney World is to get in for free. Of course when I suggested this to a bedraggled-looking father of triplets on the monorail that night, he spilled his ten-dollar soda in my lap. It's no secret that a day at Disney World is not an inexpensive undertaking for the average non-Disney-employed family. With ticket prices running as high as seventy dollars per person, it's not until you start committing to a seven-day pass that the daily rates start getting somewhat reasonable. And as we stated earlier, when you have that much cash invested in something, the need to “get your money's worth” becomes all-consuming and can often lead to pushing your toddler far past his prudent threshold of whimsical fun.
As hard a pill as this is to swallow, the fact is nobody should bring their toddler through the gates of Disney World if they can't immediately ignore how much money they spent to get in. Whatever the number, you must forget the dollar sign in front of it and force yourself to focus only on the wide-eyed wonder in your child's eyes. Even more important though is to forget those dollar signs when wonder is replaced by some other less favorable emotion, namely:
Fear
Even if you waited in line for ninety minutes to ride the Flying Dumbos, force yourself not to tally up the dollars wasted when, at the last second, your toddler announces he's too scared to go on. Same thing with character greetings. It's always better, and probably cuter, to snap a picture of your scared-but-smiling youngster waving to Mickey from a safe distance than screaming bloody murder in the arms of a six-foot rat.
Stress
Between loud parades, spinning teacups, and yo-ho'ing pirates, over-stimulation is pretty much a given for a toddler at Disney World. When you sense that yours is nearing the point of fracture, take a little time for some less in-your-face entertainment. Don't get into the “we could be doing this at home for free” mentality if Junior wants to read books for a while in the gift shop. Several of the parks have movie theaters with no lines showing classic Disney cartoons. Sit in the air conditioning for an hour and relax as a family. A little time to decompress will give everyone the extra energy and good humor keep going.
Exhaustion
No two ways about it, your toddler will need a nap at some point during the day. If you're staying at one of the Disney resorts head back to the room during the hottest part of the day. If leaving the park and returning simply isn't feasible, go on “It's a Small World After All” right around naptime. Your little one will be asleep before the boat leaves Sweden. Use the downtime for some shopping, or simply take a rest in the shade yourself. If you're vacationing with other couples, trade off babysitting duties so you can all go on Space Mountain and a few other “grownup” rides.
I know this is easy advice to shell out from a guy who never paid a cent for his own day at Disney. But that doesn't negate its truth. The fact is, while Disney World (in my opinion) is best experienced by older children, it still can be, and often is, an enjoyable place for toddlers. Then again, so is the motel pool, which is free. The trick is kissing that hi-def plasma goodbye and approaching your day at Disney as though you actually had gotten in for free. Only then can you allow yourself to have easygoing fun without dragging your toddler past the point of tears. I know it's easier said than done, but believe me, if I can do it, you can do it… please don't throw your soda at me.
