Trifter > Asia & Pacific > New Zealand

Invasion Plan for New Zealand

The year is 2040. A humorous take on why and how New Zealand should be invaded to provide food for the world.

The need to invade New Zealand is now a very high priority. The effects of global warming have been largely insignificant in New Zealand given its position deep in the South Pacific. Rainfall remains predictable and frequent. The soils are volcanic in origin, have plenty of organic matter and are of neutral acidity. Except for the backbone of the Southern Island, the Southern Alps, the rest of the country can readily be converted to full agricultural production.

Additionally, the lakes and rivers can be harvested as required for additional water as required to maximize production. There is excess water which should be pumped into our fleet of tankers and distributed globally as per your needs analysis.

Nationally there will be no resistance. It will be unlikely they will even be aware they are being invaded. The air force, comprising two planes, is permanently overseas either ferrying aid to struggling Pacific Islands or transporting dignitaries to watch the All Blacks, the national rugby team and official religion of New Zealand.

The Navy on the other hand, one frigate and an inflatable, is permanently tied up in Devonport, in Auckland Harbour owing to a lack of money to supply fuel. It is suggested, Auckland, the Capital City, is left until later in the invasion process as the harbor is particularly busy with leisure craft and could pose a navigational hazard. Additionally, the people of Auckland would not be suited to manual labor. It is suggested they could provide support services such as catering.

New Zealanders are a resourceful race and there will be local resistance but it is expected to be sporadic. It is essential the invasion plan is cognizant of brewery installations, as the preservation of beer supply to the populace will severely undermine any will to resist.

Internationally, no one will object as the benefits of having a huge market garden on the South Pacific are obvious. Any likelihood of formal protest is very low as there are not many countries left that have not been offended in some way by the Prime Minister, Charlotte Clark, the adopted grand daughter of Helen Clark who was the country ruler from late last century.

Given the demoralized state of the country at this time, owing to an unsuccessful tenth attempt to regain the Americas Cup, it is suggested our force invade immediately.

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Comments (4)
#1 by Darlene McFarlane, Jul 6, 2007
Thanks for writing this. I gives me a great idea of the country (without the invasion). I am interested in the pictures of New Zealand that others have posted and I am sure Lucy is getting tired of my questions. I will be back to look for more.
#2 by Baz, Jul 11, 2007
Hey man, those Aucklanders would not even know how to cook. Unless it was a latte and you can't love off those. Wada!
#3 by Lucy Lockett, Aug 16, 2007
That was very funny and insightful.Just as well you stated at the beginning it was a humorous take on NZ otherwise you could have the 'porkbones' in the puha! Well written.
#4 by Josh, Sep 15, 2007
Hey man. Shut up. Don't give anyone any ideas about Godzone. Had to laugh.
Spot ya

Josh
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